Monday, January 3, 2011

Show Me Yours Blogfest

Yay! Today is the day! The day of the Show Me Yours Blogfest!

Here's a refresher of the rules:

The point of this blogfest is to share an excerpt of your NaNoWriMo novel. It can be any scene but try to keep it at 500 words so we can all get around to as many blogs as possible.

Who's with us?!

The date as you may have noticed is January 3rd, 2011. This will give you time to choose a scene and edit it, revise it, change it...whatever. Feel free to give us a little background about your story or at the very least a title and a genre. That always helps, right?

So if you participated in NaNoWriMo 2010, now's the time to show your skills or your bad writing! Excitement!

So here we are, with my entry. Picking only 500 words was a little tough, so here's a bit of background:

Title: Glimpse of Another Shore
Genre: Fantasy, YA

Pier = MC
Lani = Pier's girlfriend.
Lani's Dad = vet
Rule = sea serpent.

Pier and Rule were chased by a bigger, meaner sea serpent and Rule was hurt, forcing Pier to ask Lani to ask her dad for help.
Umm, I think that's all that's needed. I hope, anyway (if you have any questions, just ask)

Here we go!

We walked around to Rule’s injured side. When I saw the wound again, I knew I’d made the right decision in telling Lani and her father. Even if it made Lani mad at me, and judging by her cold shoulder she was more than just a little angry, I had to do right by Rule. She was only an animal after all.

Lani’s father made a few noises as he carefully probed around the wound. Rule watched all three of us before she nudged Lani with her massive head. Lani stumbled in the water and I reached out to catch her. My sudden movement sent fire along my ribs and I hissed in pain.

Lani’s dad glanced at me. “You should get a doctor to look at those ribs.”

“I’m fine sir. Nothing a little rest won’t fix.”

He grunted and turned to his patient. Lani shot me a dirty look and then occupied herself by rubbing Rule’s head.

“It looks worse than it is,” Lani’s dad announced. “As people we look at this and think there’s no way something could survive such a loss of flesh, but for them it’s not so severe. I’ll get her some medication to help with any pain but that’s about it. She’ll have to heal from the inside out.”

Relief washed over me in a cool wave. I mumbled my thanks to Lani’s dad as he walked to shore to rummage through his case. I leaned against Rule’s shoulder and patted her.

Lani snorted. “You’re unbelievable.”


“I can’t believe you’ve been lying the whole time! When Nemmy’s over at our place, all she ever talks about is Rule, and the whole time you’re here having a blast.”

“Having a blast? I almost died today!”

“And whose fault is that? Also, not to mention, this is the second time you’ve almost died mucking about with Rule!”

“That first time is why I told Nemmy to stay away. You agreed with me!”

“I agreed with you when you said you were both keeping away! I wouldn’t have been so quick to agree if you were just going to sneak here by yourself and lie to Nemmy and me.”

Lani’s dad waded in the water towards us so I leaned closer to her.

“What do you want me to do?” I whispered. “Apologize? Fine, I’m sorry.”

“It doesn’t count if you’re only saying it because I caught you in your lie.”

“You didn’t catch me, I told you!”

Lani scoffed. “Just forget it, Pier. I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”

“Fine,” I snapped.


Lani’s dad appeared with a large syringe filled with a light blue liquid. “This should help her with some of the pain. It’s also got an antibiotic to help her start the healing process. Not that she’ll need it. The waters on this side of the island are notoriously restorative and she’s young. She should be back to normal in a few weeks. Maybe less.”

He gave Rule a series of small injections around the wound. If Rule noticed, she didn’t show any signs. When he was done, he capped the needle and slipped it into his pocket before he faced me.

And that's the end of the 500 words!

I'll be around everyone else's posts throughout the day. I'm so excited to see what everyone wrote for NaNo!
And for those of you who didn't sign up, but want to read everyone else's entries, Mr Linky is over on the right (and also posted on Hannah and Summer's blogs as well)


Anne Gallagher said...

This is so great Sarah! I'm so proud of you and so want to read this book!

Anne Gallagher said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hannah Kincade said...

Awesome. I love Lani and Pier's relationship. You can tell they've known each other for a long time by the way they argue. And that they looooooove each other. *cue audience wooing*

excellent choice on excerpts. And seeing as I've read it, my second choice would've been the serpent chase. Do that next time.

Boonie S said...

This is excellent. Well done.

All the best, Boonie

Maria Zannini said...

The scene intrigued me, and it begged a lot of questions which you probably answered before the scene or after it.

Mostly I was looking for the shock and awe from the dad, coming face to face with a sea serpent. (unless those things are common in this world)

Either way, you succeeded in hooking me. :) Well done!

Charity Bradford said...

This is really nice. I enjoyed the relationship and underlying tension between Pier and Lani.

Interesting concept and I'd read more.

Sarah Ahiers (Falen) said...

Anne - aww thanks! Internet hugs!

Hannah - i looked at that scene but it was way over 500 words, so i picked something a bit more manageable

Boonie - thanks!

Maria - there was a bit more aww right before the scene from the Dad. And serpents are pretty common in the world. But yeah, i had to trim to fit it in the 500 word count

Charity - thanks so much!

Mara Nash said...

Hi Sarah!

Although I'm not generally a fan of YA, between this scene and the no kiss scene, I'm really intrigued by this story. I like the characters and the sea serpent has me wondering....

The writing is well done and flows nicely. I'm left wanting to know more!

Holly Ruggiero said...

A really fun read. I want to know what happened before and what will happen next!

Trisha said...

Hehe, I like it! love the little bickering.

Tony Benson said...

Oh No! You stopped and I wanted to carry on reading! I love it. Thanks for sharing.

Summer Frey said...

Aww, I wanted to see what the dad had to say!!

Good job! I love the premise of this story. :)

J.C. Martin said...

The argument was realistic and intense. Great dialogue that reflects the intensity of the scene. Good work! Thanks for hosting this awesome blogfest!

Justin W. Parente said...

Hi Sarah,

The excerpt was good. Some advice to make it flow better:

Cut on the telling. While there wasn't much, it was clear in the first paragraph. A simple rearranging of the words SHOWS it to me.

Second, eliminate maybe 98% of dialogue tags that aren't "said." Said is the universal and invisible tag. I notice things like announced, whispered, scoffed, and snapped. When I see them, I usually take a moment to make myself imagine how they're saying it. If you convey it through body action, the "said" tag will carry you through.

Thanks for sharing!

In My Write Mind

Ellie said...

Hi Sarah. Thank you for hosting this blogfest! Such a cool idea.

I don't normally read or write YA fiction, but your story has me intrigued. I love the characters, Lani and Pier, and felt I knew a lot about them by the end of the scene.

Matthew Rush said...

Wow. This is so cool. Such a different idea for a story from anything I have ever heard of. Well done Sarah!

Teebore said...

Good excerpt. I'm glad you were able to find a nice chunk of dialogue.

One of the things I like about it (and it holds true of more than just this excerpt) is that despite being YA, it doesn't read like you're dumbing it down or anything, which, of course, is how good YA should be. Just because it's YA doesn't mean it reads terribly different from your other stuff.

Sarah Ahiers (Falen) said...

Mara - thanks so much! This is my first "Official" YA novel

Holly - thanks! And hopefully a lot of drama and conflict. Also some action. AND some kissing. ;)

J.C. - Thanks! And thanks for participating! It makes the whole fest a lot more fun!

Justin - yep, it's still going through line edits. It's only been finished for a few weeks, so i'd be some sort of super hero if it was perfectly clean at this point

Ellie - thanks! This was my first "Official" foray into YA and i'm pretty pleased with the results

Matthew - awww shucks, you know how to make a gal blush. ;)

Sarah Ahiers (Falen) said...

Trisha - thanks! You know teens, it's all "me me me"

Tony - thanks! Yeah that 500 word limit was a bit of a bugger

Summer - oh it was just dad lecturey stuff. You know how they get

Rebecca T. said...

I too like the play between Lani and Pier. I definitely would like to read more! Thanks for co-hosting - this is a lot of fun!

Margo Benson said...

Oh this is great, I didn't want to stop reading! YA isn't a genre I know that much about but this had me hooked. You've captured the bickering that comes with familiarity, I really enjoyed it.
Thanks for popping over to mine and for your kind comments....this is a wonderful blogfest.

Sarah Ahiers (Falen) said...

Teebore - aww thanks pal! I had someone recently say that they felt i was dumbing it down, but since she had also said like 8 other things that were really dumb, i didn't believe her

Rebecca - aww thanks! And it's good to see you out and about in blogland again!

Margo - thanks so much! ANd thanks for participating - that's what makes it fun!

Tony Benson said...

Sarah, just want to add to my earlier comment, thank you so much for your part in hosting this blogfest. It's really a lot of fun, and I'm reading a lot of excellent work. Thank you.

Hart Johnson said...

Love the set-up--having your hero forced to confess and risk losing the girl for a noble reason--very nice! Good use of 'stakes' and the 'lesser of two unwanted situations' there...

Summer Ross said...

It was great to read another part of this story! You did a great job, I really am so curious as to what will happen next. Thanks so much for posting!

Teri Anne Stanley said...

Fun stuff! I want my own sea serpent now. Very fun, and I look forward to reading more!

KodasTotems said...

I love reading your scenes Sarah! I can't wait to read this book from cover to cover! :)

Caroline said...

But... But... He was about to say something! :) You have me hooked, wanting to know what happened next.

The language and flow felt natural, not the least bit dumbed down.

Thanks for sharing, and thanks for the blogfest. It's a lot of fun.


Lisa-Marie Jordan said...

Very interesting story idea - a good sea serpent? Really? Cool!

Misa said...

While aside from the fact the only person I know called "Lani" is a guy and that throwing me a little, I really enjoyed this little piece :)

Anonymous said...

I like the interpersonal dynamic between Pier and Lani - seems very natural, even though they're arguing about a sea serpent, which is what you want for a fantastic plot like this. I hope that Rule is okay by the end of the book. And who's Nemmy: Rule's younger sister?

Thanks for doing your part in starting this blogfest!

Elizabeth Twist said...

Thanks for the cool excerpt. I thought the dialogue was well done, the argument was realistic, and everything moved at a peppy clip.

Seriously, a sea serpent story? Fabulous. How cool is that? Cool, very cool.

Sarah Ahiers (Falen) said...

Tony - you're welcome. I agree it is a lot of fun!

Hart- thanks! Also teens always blow things out of proportion so it's even worse!

Summer - thanks! And thanks for participating

Teri Anne - me too. Also living on a beach in the summer would be pretty awesome as well

Kodas - awww thanks pal!

Caroline - LOL yes he was. Thanks for reading!

Lisa-Marie - there's also some bad ones, but yes, Rule has her moments of goodness. And violence of course.

Misa - a guy called Lani? Crazy!

Kelworth - awww sorry. I forgot she was mentioned. Nemmy is Pier's younger sister

L'Aussie said...

Hasn't this been a great idea to display some of our NaNo greatness?! I loved your excerpt. You have a great touch with dialogue. Happy New Writing Year!

Lisa Potts said...

Thanks so much to the three of you for hosting this blogfest. It's been one of the most enjoyable I've participated in. Loved your scene and the character interactions.

Jodi Henry said...

Really cool premise. I love the character names and the convo was realistic.

Thanks for co-hosting the fest.


Stephanie said...

This was great. I'm not a big YA reader but this excerpt had me intriqued. I'd love to read more. Great job.

Jessica Lei said...

Yay, more Lani and Pier! They were adorable before, so I was hoping you'd post more of them. I love Lani telling him off. I hope they don't stay angry for long! Thank you for sharing :D

Katrina L. Lantz said...

Awesome premise! I like how, even coming to it in the middle of the story, I understand what's going on and who the main players are.

Your mix of dialogue and exposition is perfect, I thought! I'm so bad at separating them with the white space and everything, so it's awesome to see a master work it.

The one thing that threw me a little was your use of "notoriously." Since restorative is a good thing, I'd have liked to see a word with a more positive connotation is all. Not that it's wrong, just that it made my mind stop and stumble a little.

Thanks for hosting! This was so fun!

Misha said...

Ooh that sounds like a great story. How did Rule get injured?

Tracy Z. said...

I loved the banter between Lani and Pier. I also enjoyed the sea serpent idea!

Dan said...

Very nice. I liked the conflict between Pier and Lani, it seemed to have been building for along time time and came across as very genuine. And I liked how you wrapped this very grounded conversation in the somewhat other-worldly imagery of a vet treating a sea-serpent.

Sarah Ahiers (Falen) said...

L'Aussie - thanks! And i think the blogfest was a great success

Lisa - thanks! I think the 500 word limit made it much more manageable and therefore more fun!

Jodi - thanks! I spent a bit longer than usual on the names for this novel

Stephanie - thanks! I made it a goal last year to dive into more YA myself

Jessica - thanks - just the usual teen fight length

Katrina - Thanks! And you are completely right about "notorious" i'll have to think of a better word. Spot on!

Misha - a nastier sea serpent rammed her with it's bony head. conflict ensues

Tracy - thanks. i don't think there's enough sea serpents in books

Dan - thanks! I spent a lot of build up early to try and make it believable so hopefully it pulls off ok

~Nicole Ducleroir~ said...

Great work, Sarah! The dialog was vivid and really showcased the characters' voices. I learned a lot about them in such a short space. Bravo!

yokohamamama said...

Akemashite Omedetou Gozaimasu! Happy New Year! Been away at the in-laws and had a houseful of kids since--hence the long blog break and the just-now-noticing-that-I-could-read-a-bit-of-your-story... Ahhhh! Horrible tease! Now I want to read the whole thing! Ven can ve buy, dahling? Ven can ve buy? :-)) I'm in card waiting...;-))

Jamie Gibbs (Mithril Wisdom) said...

Awesome :D I wanna hear more about the nasty sea serpents too, hehe. From reading this, the rest of the novel sounds like a blast!

Sarah Ahiers (Falen) said...

Nicole - thanks! I do enjoy writing dialogue

Yokohama - pshaa, i'll send you a copy. Signed!

Jamie - aww thanks!

Naomi Ruth said...

I totally missed this blogfest, but it looks awesome. I loved your excerpt. Very excited to read it one day :) Because you will get published eventually, and it will all be very exciting. Thanks for sharing!

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